Thursday, June 21, 2018


I struggle with sharing my thoughts on here some times.
Life is busy you know? I work from 9-6 and then I have a couple hours to eat and sleep before I'm back at it again. Keeping up with a relationship on top of this is hell sometimes. I don't feel like I can be there for him as much as I want to be. Not that he needs me to constantly be moral support but as his future wife?

Younger me saw this differently. We where going to meet at college- probably in our senior year- we'd get married two weeks after graduation. Then we'd work for a couple years--probably as missionaries or something-- before having a kid and settling down as a successful, middle class family.

I don't know what happened, but we met at church.  I was suicidal and asking for a friend, and he was on crutches. Which. Isn't a bad way of doing it I guess. We're both working. I'm at a bank and. He's between gigs right now. He's brilliant. Has beautiful eyes. Basically everything I don't deserve.

In my younger years I had very strong morals about when things would happen. Our first kiss wouldn't be until we where probably married and we wouldn't hug until we where engaged. That wasn't my idea, as much as the ideas of those around me. I thought "This is the social construct, thus this is what I have to do. This is what I'm required by my peers and adults around me to think."

Now I have another word for that. One 15 year old me would never udder even under the most dire circumstances.

I think... we change as we grow older. We grow, we expand. We realize that not everything will work out the way we thought our lives would.

When I was young, I wanted nothing more then to be a missionary. I wanted to see the world, and spread the name of Jesus!  I wanted to go to Asia and work with dirty children and teach them how to blow their snot noses and that they are so so loved.

Then I did it. I went to Cambodia for a month.
I saw the lowest of the low. I saw women being raped on the streets, children so poor they had no clothes. I saw the people as they hurt and cried. Hungry children followed me on the streets. They didn't have a choice for a better life. You help in everyway you can, but that's not much. It's not much to feed a child one meal, when you know that it probably won't eat for another 6.

I got Malaria. That... I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I ate, but it wasn't good food. I could just sleep and wait to get better. It was hot, it was cold and everything hurt like hell.

I cried a lot. I wanted to be home with the air conditioning. I wanted the pounding in my head to go away, and I wanted to take a shower. I wanted to talk to a doctor who spoke my language and to take american drugs.

I had to cut my hair, and as vain as this sounds, I kind of regret doing that.

Life doesn't work out the way you plan it. Life doesn't work the way you plan it.

I have nightmares about my time in Cambodia and Indonesia. Every night. My boy has to listen to me when I call him and am just crying. It's hard to talk about. I don't like talking about a lot of the stuff that happened there. You can't... there aren't words to describe the pain and the heart ache and the way it sounds, the way it smells, and how... suffocating it feels sometimes.

I wish it wasn't like this. I wish dreams just came true, but they don't.

I. Know. One. Thing. For. Sure.
My Jesus is the one who formed our worlds. He has your life planned out, and to some extent it gives me great comfort to know that he knows the unknowns that I don't know. That He will continue to walk with me and be there with me, even through the storms that will come. That He is a light in my darkness. And that he is above all else Holy.

That's... Sometimes the only reason I can get out of bed. And trust me, I know sometimes its hard to see . But God. Is. So. Good.


Sunday, June 17, 2018


It's been two years since I last posted anything. Two years that have been a crazy long time, and that have been filled with so many adventures.

It's not so much that I haven't thought about writing or had the time, as much as just haven't been sharing what I have written. As you can imagine, that can mean a lot of things have happened.

I moved to Europe in August of last year and spent three months back in Germany-- which if you didn't know was where I was born. I guess I missed it. A lot happened there, some good, some bad, but I made a lot of memories.

In late November of last year, I went on a three month missions trip to Asia. Which. Also was wild, got a lot of memories, and also a lot of diseases, but for the most part it was great. I learned so much there, and many nights I stay up late thinking about the things that happened.

(If you're reading that and thinking gee, she's still not a sleeping person, you wouldn't be wrong, although I will say that I now have netflix which fills the gap.)

In early February, I had been struggling with malaria for two months, and got sent back to America for medical treatment and just to rest. The missions field isn't a great place to rest, so spending a month back with running water and clean sheets? Was exactly what the doctor ordered. Literally.

After being home for about a month, I got cleared to work and got a full time job at a bank-- that I've been working for like. Well. Since March so. Three months? I'm not sure.

I have a boyfriend now. By boyfriend I mean, guy that I'm going to marry. February 1st, 2019. Or sooner. We'll see. I'm not so much a blushing bride as much as a stressed bride I think. Theres a lot that goes into getting married, and I wasn't ready for that. He lives in Houston, and I'm up in Oklahoma for the time being. It's been hard to keep communicating and not to just hangup when I'm upset.

But we've been best friends for. Three years? and it doesn't seem so awkward. He's a sweet kid, and as cheesy as this sounds, I do love him.

The anxiety and depression thing? I kinda thought that by the time I was a "real adult" they would have gone away, but. Plot twist, they don't. It has become more manageable as I've started being more vocal about it. I've realized that there are movies and tv shows that I can't watch because they stress me out and that I need to take time to myself from time to time.

I've also gotten a great support system who knows when I'm stressed and will make me breathe. Which. Has been amazing actually.

I've missed blogging, and I've gotten to miss it more and more as the years have gone by. It's weird to say years, like. Adults say "years" and here I am young, 19 and saying "I haven't blogged in years." Ya know what I mean.

Maybe I'll get back into it. I'll write more and share stories about the world that I've been in and the places and memories? Let me know what you think. Also, how have ya'll been? What are things that have changed in the last years that make you look back in awe?

I miss you all.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

An Open Letter To: Stress and Anxiety

Dear Stress and Anxiety,

Hello again old friend, it's so nice to see you again. Not really, but we can pretend to be friends.
Thank you for following me everywhere I go. For being present every time I open my mouth, over every word I say, and over every night that I try to sleep through. Thank you for overloading me with pointless worries, and for being... In short my shadow. 
Thank you for crushing my dreams. That's been fun. 
Thank you for confusing me, and for making me cry at random, importune times. 
Thank you for making me afraid of tomorrow's activities. 
Thank you for making my body ache with fear. 
Not really. 
But that is what you do to me. You drown me in your waves. You make it hard for be to breathe even when I know what I want to do. 
But you make me feel like I'm worthless, and that my dreams don't have a point. You make me wonder what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, even though in my heart I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I'm going to do. 
This letter is a good bye. This letter is a venomous stand. It's me standing on the Solid Rock of Jesus, and rebuking you by His blood. 
Stress and anxiety, you are not who I am. You have been confined to a hole of destruction, you just think you own me. 
I'm not going to lie, you've done a good job of tricking me into think you where more then you where. 
But my King has overcome you. 
He is put you into a lake of never ending fire. 
You have no claim over my life. 
I am not anxiety. 
I am forgiven and free by the blood, grace and power of my King Jesus Christ. 
I am free to dream. 
I am free chase the calling my King has placed on my heart. 
And dear stress, I'm not going to let you dictate my pursuit of my dreams. 
I'm not going to let you put chains on my heart. I'm not going to let you control my brain whilst I study for my dreams. 
Because contrary to what you have lead me to believe, I am smart. I can get a good grade on this test. 
Contrary to what you have led me to believe, I am loved. 
Contrary to what you have led me to believe, my God is sovereign over every inch of my life. 
Not you. 
Never you. 
My King is named Victory. He has overcome the grave. 
My King has been proclaimed sovereign. All of creation echoes that truth. 
You, are nothing. 
Dear anxiety, you are nothing in the eyes of my Creator. 
You may leave whenever you please. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. 
"I said, "I am about to fall," but Lord, your love kept me safe. I was very worried, but you have comforted me and made me happy." ~Psalm 95:18-19 

~Rachel Joy 

Monday, May 2, 2016

An Open Letter to: Change

Dear Change,
I guess I'll start by saying hello. Yes, spellcheck changed that to yellow the first time. 
That's the way life goes some times I guess. 

How are you? Different I gather. 
Different can be good I guess, I just wasn't expecting you to look... Just... Like that. I guess. I guess in my head, you would kind of just be the same, just older. But no. It's... A little more then older. Not in a bad way but... I'm just going to shut up.   

How am I doing? Well... Growing up has been a struggle. I'm working a lot now, which has been fun. (No, I'm not being sarcastic.) I still ask my mom to make my Doctors appointments. I have a cactus now. She's a good friend. I also bought a jar of Nutella yesterday. So that was fantastic. 

You know, things changing actually bothers me a lot. I like change when it's my idea, under my direction and from my lead. 

But that's hard to admit. Its hard to say "it is well" because sometimes it's not. It hurts. A lot actually. 

I'm happy for you. You have new friends, a new life. We still share our music tastes I see, so that's fun. Thanks for the text about Spencer Kane joining Anthem Lights. Haha, look up "Teenage Girl has Fangirl Attack and Dies at Work" on YouTube sometime. That's me. 

But dear change? I'm not writing you a letter to remind you of all the good times we had, or to tell you about my life. I'm writing you to tell you that I'm through with you. 

I'm done letting fear of you run my life. I'm done letting you control my heart. Something else that has changed is my relationship with God. I'm letting him rule over my life. 

I don't want you to have a bit of foothold over my life. I'm ready to live wholehearted for the One who Died for me. 

Because in Him, there is victory. In you there is just fear, chains and rejection, and I'm.... Kinda just done with that.  

With the help of Jesus Christ, I'm not going to let you shackle me anymore. 
Sure, you'll probably still be around, (as you always had that shadow tendency. Kind of annoying if you ask me.) but you're not in charge. 

When I think about college, friendships, the future in general, fear of you won't be part of my thoughts.  

You are nothing more then the boogy-man who lived under my bed. 

Not real. 
So this is good bye.
I know I'll still see you again, because you tend to travel with growing up, but consider us no longer an "us." 

I'm looking through the eyes of the one who has planned my future. The one who holds the pen to my life, and you are cast out. 

*Waves sarcastically,*

PS: Orange is not your color. 

Monday, March 28, 2016

How to Deal with Questions You Don't want to Answer.

Hello everyone!

So the past couple weeks I've found myself living life with a super stylish, stinking adorable wrist brace.

I'm kidding. It's ugly, clunky and a general pain.

(Also, typing hurts a lot so please don't judge if this is super short.)

It turns out I did not sprain it like I originally thought but instead I have this thing called Carpal Tunnel.

Basically a nerve in my wrist is pinched and it hurts a lot and my fingers go numb easily.

The thing is, Carpal Tunnel is really boring.
Like, painfully boring.
In a word, lameeeee.

So when people ask "hey, why are you in a super clunky wrist brace that doesn't really match anything you own." I'm not going to answer "oh, Carpal Tunnel" because that's lame!!

So I have a couple different answers that I want to share in case you happen to be in a situation that has an equally lame answer.

"Oh." *cough uncomfortably* "Wombat incident."

This by far has been my favourite answer.
You have to understand that a lot of people don't know what a Wombat is, so in order to use this answer you have to know that a "wombat is a like a mix between a Kangaroo and a Koala Bear."

Then, if you are asked "Where did you meet one of those?"  The appropriate answer is, "Oh, I was walking in the woods behind my house the other night and because it was dark, I couldn't see it when it attacked me."

This works for anything. Do you have a broken foot that doesn't have an interesting story? Wombat Incident. Concussion? Wombat incident.

And the answers people give you are hilarious! I had a guy ask me with a perfectly straight face "are you sure it wasn't a groundhog?"

I cried laughing! it was beautiful ya'll!

If you don't feel comfortable saying "Wombat incident," try some other random animal. I will suggest not using "Narwhal Incident." (Ask in the comments if you want that story. It's good.)

2. "Haha, you think this is bad? You should see the other guy."

Part of why this works is I am not really a fighter in general. Like, I work at a coffee shop, do media for a couple platforms and am just a geek.

So seeing a girl say "You should see the other guy" who is wearing pink lipstick and rosebud earrings.... Makes people laugh pretty hard.

And then you don't have to tell your lame story.

3. Be serious, but have it be something horrible.

"Oh. It was a house fire." *Sniffle,* "I was trying to rescue my dog and the burning timbers from the roof fell on my wrist." *Covers face in tissues whilst crying.*

4. Tell the total truth.

This is an option. You can do this. It's boring. But feel free to do it. In fact, you should use this option. The truth is always the best answer. Do this.

That's all I have for today! Please feel free to let me know how you guys deal with annoying questions that you don't want to answer.

~Rachel Joy

Sunday, March 20, 2016

The Beauty of My King


Something that I've been thinking a lot about is the beauty of the journey God has placed before us. 

How every moment has a purpose. 
And every word that we have spoken has been already written by a powerful pen. 

Every moment has been placed by my sovereign King. 

As many of you may know, I'm a sunset geek. I love chasing the sunsets and watching as God paints the earth with beautiful colours and watching the shadows fall. I love watching the stars poke out of the inky blackness of night. 

As I found myself sitting in the window seat watching the stars come out after the sunrise faded away, I found myself thinking about the beauty of our King. 

About how powerful he is, and how mighty he is. 

I mean, I've sat through a lot of sunsets, and I've been overwhelmed by Gods power before, but yesterday evening, it was different. 

It was sitting there realizing how mighty God is to ordain the world and put it to order. How beautiful he is to write out the sum of our journey and love us anyway. 

It's nothing less then beautiful. 

That is the beauty of our king! 
He not only makes life, he makes life perfect and beautiful. 
He makes it priceless. 

He makes my soul sing 
Sing his praise. 
He makes my soul dance,
Dance because of all that he is. 

The beauty of the King is that no matter how crazy life gets, he's going to be keeping his hand on you and giving you strength. 
The beauty of my King is that he forgives even when I don't think I'm worth it. 
The beauty of my King is that no matter what happens, he's going to love me with a never ending love. 

The beauty of My King is that He knows what plans for me, and all His plans are perfect. 

That is the beauty of the King we celebrate! 
THAT is the beauty of my King! That he not only knows what he's doing, but he also loved me so much he died for my sins. 

And that is the most beautiful truth. 

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Pressed Down

My eyes are heavy, 
My heart is tired. 
I have been pressed down. 

I've reached the max,
Everything in me is done, 
I'm tired. 
There is nothing left in me. 

My eyes are vacant. 
My heart is pained. 
Waking up, 
That's impossible. 

But as weary as I am, 
As tired as my heart may be... 
I am completely victorious. 
I am not destroyed. 

My steps may falter, 
But my heart seeks Your face. 
I am seeking your sanctuary, 
For you are my rest Lord Jesus. 

I was lost, but not forsaken. 
Weary but not forgotten. 
Pressed down but not overcome. 
Completely victorious. 

Rachel Joy 

Wednesday, February 3, 2016


   Sometimes I forget things. 
I'm a pretty busy person, and that's what I blame a lot of things. 

One of the things that I forget is that I'm not invincible. 
I forget the things that I should do, and one of those things is be human. 

Lord, wake me up. 
Remind me of the things that I need. 

Remind me to find rest in you. 
Remind me that you are wholly God. 

So often I forget oh Lord. 
I forget about the grace that you pour out. 

I forget to worship you in everything that I do,
I don't want to live like that. 

Bring back my memory, 
And breathe into me. 

Sunday, January 31, 2016



Dear you, 
I see you crying. 
Don't lie, those are tears. 
but it's ok. 

The thing about tears is they are real. 
They can't be faked. 
When you cry, that's what you are really feeling.
It's ok to cry.

I know how you feel. 
I've been there too. 
Lost, tired, lonely. 
Like life could never be the same. 

It can't. 
The past is behind you. 
But now.. Now is here. 

The tears of now. 
The wondering of now. 
The emotion of now. 
Now in it's entirety is happening. 

Dear you, 
Don't worry. 
It will all work out. 
Trust in Him. 

I know it sounds Clique. 
How five letters can change a world. 
How "Trust" can turn you upside down. 
I've been there too. 

Keep pressing in my Friend. 
Keep holding on. 
Keep your head up. 
Keep the faith. 

He is holding out his hand. 
dear friend, 
He is holding you so close. 
Speaking words of love. 

~Rachel Joy 

Thursday, January 28, 2016

to the girl in the mirror...


I walked up and looked her straight in her hazel brown eyes. They looked fearful, not at all confident like the girl she wanted to be. 

Her clothing was sharply contrasting. Blacks, greys  and whites. 

She was tall, thin and had long blonde hair. 

She looked back at me. Tired, uncomfortable and fearful. She looked tired. Like the one place she wanted to be was miles away. She looked lonely. Like the people she so longed to be with where in a place she might never go back too. 

With that observation, I opened my mouth and started to scolded her. "You're not brave, strong, or anything like who people want you to be. You're just annoying, loud, random, ugly and stupid.  You're not really anything. You're not beautiful, you're not talented and you aren't anything special. You're nothing more then a  living flop." 

As I spat out that last syllable, I stepped away from the mirror. 

Not words I had been called. 
No, people called me beautiful, talented, gifted even. 

But the names I called her... Ruthless at best. 

I don't think she's happy with where she is at this juncture. She wants to be something else. She wants to be like the Disney princesses and heroic women she's read so much about. 

The girl in the mirror needs to know something. That she's beautiful. Not because I say so, but because one greater then her created her so. 

The girl in the mirror needs to know that she's a priceless treasure. Not just because I say so, but because the one who died for her says so. 

The girl who is looking back at you from the mirror needs to know that she's worth more then what she thinks she is. That her worth doesn't come from a size on the back of her jeans or from her relationship status on Facebook. 

Her worth comes from a God who has cattle on a thousand hills and streets made of gold. 

Lastly, that girl in the mirror needs to know that she's loved. Loved and cherished by the One who loved her so much that He laid down his life for her. Loved by the one who paints the sunrise and loved by the one who has her future planned. 

As I told her those things, her hazel eyes filled with tears. 
Her brain fought the truths that had been given to her. 

The girl in your mirror might not like the names you call her. 
Let her know she's beautiful and loved. Not because I say so but because the one who formed her out of the dust made her so. 

In Christ Alone,
Rachel Joy

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